SomeonesPortrait

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The Mix of Misfits’ lair lies deep in the Tangled Wood. It is best not sought out by the unwary, and those who know it give it a wide berth. Not everybody who walks those twisting corridors is a dragon, and even if they are, many of them have abilities that can be disquieting, if not outright dangerous.

At their core, however, they are still a clan. And like many clans, they need to eat.

“How do you feed such a motley crew, Garrett? I bet the variety of food they eat is absolutely staggering!” Penelope brandished her microphone like a sword. She was one of the very few outsiders who’d been permitted to enter the clan, something to do with quelling public uneasiness. Garrett thought the clan could take care of itself, but he did have to admit that life was more lucrative when you got along with the neighbors.

So he forced a smile onto his face. “Well, to begin with, the food’s carefully stored. Wouldn’t do to have it go bad, y’know? Or crawl away...”

The researcher’s smile slipped a bit. But before she could follow up on that, Garrett threw a door open. A chill wind blasted out into the corridor, knocking the Pearlcatcher back several feet.

Beyond, a glassy serpent writhed. A Spiral? Something else? The air surrounding him was so cold, it was almost visible. And all around him...

Garrett hefted a slab of meat in each forepaw. “Our refrigerator helps keep ’em cool. They’re nice and fresh!”

Penelope tried to ignore the serpent’s piercing gaze. It was as if the chill had sunk into her bones.... “Ah, is th-that ant-t-telope meat? H-How’d you get it in th-th-this s-swamp?”

“We’ve got hunters, don’t we? We send them out; they come back with meat. Say,” and Garrett cocked his head, “they’ll be leaving on a hunt soon. Maybe you should also get going, hm?”

He shut the refrigerator door, and the researcher was only too glad to agree.

~ ~ ~
The skinwalker - Morse - sank her claws into the pile of stinking hides. They crumbled beneath her touch, releasing a stench so foul that Penelope almost collapsed. She had taken Garrett’s earlier words to mean “You should leave the lair,” but no, he had encouraged her to accompany the hunting party. It was a rare opportunity, but the clan’s hunters made her uneasy, and she wished she’d turned it down.

“It’ll be great. Lots of stories to share with the neighbors, hm? Cupid will be your guide for this tour. Now, now, don’t be shy. You want a story, I’ll make damn well sure you get a story....”

Cupid was no dragon. Penelope could only describe him as some sort of mutant harpy: He had wings, right enough, but too many arms....He smiled cheerfully, showing sharp, bright teeth. He was showing other things besides: His heart, disturbingly, was visible through his translucent skin. Penelope couldn’t help gawping at it.

“I have no skins with which to hunt,” Morse rasped. Penelope’s stomach heaved as the huge beast rifled through piles of rotting hides, sending strips of hide—and worse—pattering onto the floor. “Cannot...disguise...Bring me new hides.” Her eyes glowed red in the darkness. “Then I will aid you...next time.”

“We’ll just take a short trip into the swamp, then.” And Cupid sauntered away. Penelope looked back and forth between him and the skinwalker. The beast dressed in hides...or the relatively pleasant whatever-he-was...She hurried after Cupid instead.

Together, they entered an empty room. It was relatively unadorned except for some paintings on the walls, and Penelope tried to calm herself by looking at them. Many were pictures of food: roasted grouse on a silver platter, artistically-arranged slices of fruit, butterflies and their vibrant wings...

“Rise and shine, shutterbug! It’s time to hunt.” Cupid was addressing a painting. It depicted a seemingly empty room...but as Penelope stared, a shape moved within it. It began spilling out of the frame: a huge Imperial, blindingly white, his red eyes glowing like robotic lenses. Cupid backed up, and Penelope with him, as the Imperial’s massive form filled the room.

“And this is...well, we guess he was meant to be someone’s portrait? We found him in that picture.” Cupid grimaced. “Very boring subject matter, that room. He’s glad he’s out of there, aren’t you, friend?”

The Imperial nodded slowly. His eyes, red and unblinking, were fixed on Penelope.

Cupid noticed. “This is Penelope. She’s a researcher who’s curious about our food. Very well, Miss, it’s just you and us today. Shall we proceed?”

Before Penelope could answer, the portrait Imperial moved, pushing her along. Cupid took this as acceptance, and he fell into step beside her, grinning nonstop all the way.

~ ~ ~
They were some distance from the lair when Penelope felt Cupid’s hand on her wing. She froze, expecting an attack...but Cupid only said, “Hey, lens, take our picture!”

The Imperial paused. And then he positioned himself with a weird hissing noise, lowering his head so that it was level with them. His jaws clicked as they opened. He had no tongue: Instead, there was a dull black barrel capped with a circle of glass. A camera lens.

There was a loud click! as the photo was taken. Penelope relaxed, and Cupid explained, “See, he takes pictures. They’re better than any old painting-portrait you’ll find; those are really boring. Now comes the fun part...”

The Imperial had closed his mouth. A soft whirring noise rose from deep within his chest...and then his jaws parted and a neat, white square dropped into Cupid’s waiting palm.

“Is that...?” Despite her misgivings, Penelope was intrigued. She’d heard of such machines before, though she hadn’t been able to acquire one. A tool like that would be a great boon to any researcher. The convenience, the speed! Just point and shoot...

“Yes, but we have to shake it; it speeds up the coloring process.” Cupid was dancing around, hopping nimbly from one bare foot to the other. His many hands passed the photo about, waving it in the humid air.

And then he held it up and frowned. “Oh, it’s in black and white! Hey, lens, this won’t do; this is a special occasion. We have a guest! Why don’t you break out the colors instead? Maybe a little bit more lighting? It’s quite dark out here....”

“What’s going to happen now?” Penelope asked. As the white Imperial lowered his head again, Cupid explained, “We’re gonna get another picture!”

“You said in...color? He can choose black-and-white or colored portraits? How...How does he do that?” Penelope cursed herself for asking the question the moment it left her mouth. She wasn’t really sure she wanted to know.

So it was a relief when Cupid spread his many arms and shrugged. “Search me.”

The clearing started to flash. Penelope turned, and she squinted when she saw that the light was coming from the portrait Imperial’s eyes. He had lowered his head and had his picture-taking lens exposed again; his eyes now shone brilliant white. They flashed warningly, first slowly, then faster and faster....

Click! Another picture. The Imperial spat it out, and Cupid snatched it from the air. Colors were already beginning to bleed across its featureless surface.

Cupid grinned at Penelope—well, he grinned wider, anyway. “Won’t take long, Miss! We’ll see our pretty faces in no time.” And off he went again, leaping exuberantly across the ground. The Imperial, in sharp contrast, was now perfectly still. He stood, impassive and silent, like a marble statue amidst the gloom.

Penelope wondered why he was with them. “Perhaps Garrett thought he could help me document my findings? It would make sense; this clan is full of incredible individuals. That was nice of him.” She started to warm up to the irascible mutant Mirror somewhat....

And then in a stirring of wings and caws, a flock of birds exploded above the canopy. They passed overhead as Cupid looked up. “Something’s afoot!”

The only sound that came from the Imperial was a slow, whispering whir. His eyes were aimed at the flock now, and his mouth was open again. Another click—

Penelope blinked. Half the flock had gone. “Where’d they go?”

“He ate them,” Cupid explained carelessly. He was standing still now, but his many arms remained in motion. One of them passed the photo to Penelope, and with his remaining hands he drew several arrows and nocked them.

“He...ate...?”

“Yeah, that’s how he eats. Aims his lens at a creature and takes a photo, and then click, they’re gone. Now come this way, Madam.” He motioned with a toss of his head. “Time to go a-hunting!”

“No, what I meant...” Penelope hurried after Cupid. Her pearl and microphone jounced against her side as she lifted the photo to stare at it. It was a perfectly normal portrait of herself and Cupid. They were starkly lit by the flash against the dark backdrop of the forest.

“Psh, of course he can choose what to eat. I mean, can’t you? Heads up!”

Penelope instinctively ducked behind a tree. There was a tremendous twang—Cupid had released his bowstring. The Pearlcatcher heard various creatures scream and tumble as the arrows found their marks. Whatever Cupid really was, those arrows weren’t tipped with love potion.

In the distant darkness, Penelope heard a steady crashing noise. It was coming closer and closer: Whatever it was, it was big, and it was driving all the creatures of the swamp before it. The smaller animals raced past in panicked flight. From behind, Penelope could hear the whirr and click of the Imperial’s shutter. Taking pictures of the animals...or devouring them, most likely. She couldn’t suppress a shiver.

And then there was a mighty crash as a tree toppled over—knocked down by a gigantic toad easily the size and bulk of a Guardian. It let out a deep, rumbling croak that was almost a roar.

Cupid’s grin could have lit the entire forest. “Wartoad! Wartooooaaad!” he bellowed. He seemed absolutely stoked, and he began firing arrows so quickly that the twangs all blurred into a continuous humming note. Arrows went all over the place. Some of them found targets; others went wide. Penelope squealed as one buried itself in the tree trunk just above her head.

She wrapped a foreleg around her pearl and scampered back to the clearing. The Imperial had moved closer to the trees but wasn’t hiding; she could see him clearly. He stood perfectly still, the glow of his eyes dimmed.

Penelope ran to him. “Help! There’s a Wartoad!”

The Imperial didn’t respond, and for a brief, crazy moment, Penelope wondered if he’d turned into a statue. She tugged on his toes, his long whiskers. No answer.

Behind her, Cupid let out a loud whoop. Penelope didn’t know if it was one of dismay or triumph, but the next minute, there was another splintering crash. The Wartoad tumbled out into the clearing. Arrows stuck out of its skin, and it was nearly gone, but not quite yet. Berserk rage still burned in its eyes.

It focused on the Imperial. With another hideous croak, it lumbered forward. Its mouth opened, and Penelope saw the gleam of its tongue...

FLASH! The clearing was briefly lit as if by a lightning bolt. Immediately the Wartoad fell silent. Penelope peeked through her claws, expecting to see it lying dead on the ground. What she saw instead astounded her.

The Wartoad was frozen—it hung in the air, caught in mid-leap as if by...

“A photo?” The researcher looked up at the Imperial. His jaws were now open, his lens exposed. His eyes were slowly darkening again.

Then came the patter of feet, and Cupid skidded into the clearing. He didn’t look any worse for wear. “Ah, picture perfect! Hold it like that...” And he drew a brace of arrows, aiming them straight at the Wartoad’s throat. Penelope saw its pupils contract in terror, and she turned away. There was another sickening thud as the arrows met their mark.

The air whirred. And then with a soft boom, the Wartoad finally fell. Cupid grinned up at the Imperial and said, “All in a day’s work, eh, friend?”

And the Imperial agreed, in a deep, flat voice that badly startled Penelope, “Mission accomplished.”

~ ~ ~
It was rare for the Imperial to go back into his picture frame, but he did so now; perhaps he’d had enough excitement for the day. Penelope watched as he pressed his nose to the canvas. Then he oozed onto it like a splotch of paint, first filling it, then receding until he was proportionately sized to the frame. And then he was still—except for his eyes. They still seemed to glow, and no matter which way Penelope leaned, they followed her, focusing with pinpoint precision.

“Did you enjoy your stay?” Garrett practically purred. Penelope didn’t notice the way he was smirking; she was busy trying to get the image of Morse out of her mind. The last time Penelope had seen her, she had draped the Wartoad’s hide over herself like a cloak.

“Y-Yes...Thank you, sir, it was very...interesting.”

“Oh, I should hope so,” Garrett growled. And before Penelope could respond, he presented a fruit basket to her.

It was a very nice basket. It was made of wicker, and the fruits it contained were plump, gleaming, and fresh. A very ordinary-looking basket...which in itself was suspicious. Penelope couldn’t help looking distrustfully at it.

“My mate recommended giving you a going-away gift to remember us by. We really enjoyed having you. Stop by anytime.”

“No thanks. Uh, I mean, thanks, um...”

Garrett flourished a photo under her snout. “Plus a present from our shutterbug. He took a picture of these fruits. They’ll stay as fresh as they are in this photo—indefinitely!”

“Really! How...How marvelous!” She remembered the Wartoad again. Caught in mid-leap, as if in a photo; and the birds, the beasts, vanishing every time the camera flashed...

“No one will ever believe me,” Penelope thought later on, in the safety of her den. She’d struggled to write down everything she’d witnessed, but the words had just been too outrageous, too strange. For her to be believed, other dragons would need to see the same things. “If only I had a cam—NO!” She pushed the thought out of her mind.

The fruits sat in their basket. She couldn’t bring herself to eat them, and she never did. She did lose the photo one day, though she never attempted to find it. She burned her notes and never spoke about what she’d seen that day.

And so the mysteries of the Mix of Misfits endured.

~ written by Disillusionist (254672)
all edits by other users

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG5DLGN6ihc