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myriadofstars
Hello thanks for stopping by. ^^ Now I see that Meghan's lore is divided in 2 parts. So I'll treat the top part and the "
A New Arrival" bit as two separate things. If you would like me to do the top bit with her background, please let me know and I'll add that with this post. Let's begin with "
A New Arrival".
***"
The sun had gone down over an hour ago, and the last of the light had long since disappeared over the horizon."
This is redundant. Maybe instead add some sensual information (example: The sun disappeared only an hour ago and already the warmth of the earth has faded.)
***Details of the land. I know from reading a few dialogue lines later that there is no cover, but
where are they? Are they in a desert? In an open savanna with only shin high grass? Is it an Australian outback with a few rocks and trees but none are big enough to hide behind?
I have no sense of how big the area is or if it is a perilous one to travel through.
***
"A shape moved in the darkness. It was a wildclaw, her golden scales shining silver in the moonlight. Fresh scars covered most of the left side of her body, and she walked with a slight limp." Give more details on what Meghan looks as, being a story with no pictures, I haven't yet identified if this is a foreshadowing person or the main character, nor have an understanding of what she looks like in general. Examples are the clothes she's wearing (torn or plain or covered in jewelry, idk), and her aura/countenance (she has a limp, but is her head still high? Is she breathing hard? Are her scales bright and clear, or do they have age spots or flaking skin?)
Error-->Should be "Two shapes moved in the darkness. One was... {{OR}} A familiar voice to her right spoke gently as she stopped for a moment to catch her breath,"I think we should stop for the night. You are beginning to tire". It was Darrien...
***
"Fresh scars covered most of the left side of her body, and she walked with a slight limp."
I know from reading her bio (the top bit of her page) that she was attacked by a Beastclan tribe, though here in the story I would have no idea why she's hurt. Who attacked her and why? How did she escape?
Just an little summary (like a hint) to what could've happened so the reader gets a sense of what happened. This way their immediate questions are answered and the really detailed story comes a little later from Meghan herself in a setting where that story is the highlight. Establishes further characterization for Meghan and makes the reader continue reading to find out. (Example: Fresh scars covered most of her left side where a razor trap ripped into her hide from a Beastclan ambush a few days prior.)
***(a)If the wounds are fresh, then describe her state of being. Are the wounds deep? Is blood flowing from them? How does it affect her (make her dizzy, just a dull ache, pretending to be fine but is not)?
***(b) However I get the feeling that some time has passed as I later find that she is friends with a Beastclan named Darrien. I just find it hard to believe that the wounds are fresh and she has a Beastclan friend, unless they have always been friends since childhood.
So when "Damien sighed but did not protest again.", clarify that relationship. How long have they known each other? Do they understand each other on a deep level (like being to tell when she's starting to tire even when she's not wanting to admit it)?
Emphasize Meghan's feelings towards Darrien. Does she appreciate his company and understands that he's just watching out for her?
***"
He did so, hanging back a little. He would let her deal with her own kind." Really like this. Expresses openness to Meghan but caution to others. Great job.
***When Meghan and Darrien first meet the two strangers, this is the time when nuance and word choice plays an important role. Character and personalities must be established within the first lines of dialogue. (Example: "Hi, I'm Wylla! What's your name?! :D" vs. "Hello, my name is Wylla. What's your name?" vs. "Greetings. I am Wylla of the Zephyr Steppes. May I ask for your name and purpose for coming here?" which is carefree/whimsical, friendly/polite, and self-absorbed/cynical in that order.)
So I assume he's being polite and outwardly friendly from your word choice.
***
"Beowyr smirked slightly. “More like founded by you,” he teased, not looking away from Meghan. “Faera and I were just hatchlings.”
Sylvara snorted but didn’t reply. Meghan narrowed her eyes." Beautiful interactions. Absolutely loved it. Also it draws a nice comparison to their companionship compared to the one Meghan has with Darrien. Inner jokes between family is always pleasant to see even if I can't understand the joke. (Personal example: My family always yells up the stairs "Socks and shoes and pants!" when we are going somewhere as a family. Why not "Get ready!"? :P I don't have to tell you because it's am inside family joke. XD)
***The rest of the reactions and the interactions seemed natural and in character from what I can gather of their personalities. I do wish Darrien was a little more prominent or responsive to what the other dragons were saying. Example:Darrien and Meghan quickly exchange worried and confused glances when he said that, but Meghan composed herself almost immediately and stared hard at the guardian.
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All in all a great start for her lore. ^^ I really liked it and hope this helped. Good luck! \(^0^)/
