General Discussion

I recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend after five months. When we started dating, I had no idea that he had Autism. I only found out from his mother about three months into our relationship.

We began dating in April when we were still in school. I had no idea that anything was wrong until the excitement of the new relationship had worn off. I noticed that my boyfriend started to get very possessive of me. He would get unreasonably agitated when we couldn't spend time together, often hanging his head and becoming unresponsive to everyone. He always wanted to be physically touching me, even in public. Whenever I told him it made myself and others uncomfortable, he became upset and unresponsive again.

When I asked him why he behaved this way, he never gave me a real answer. He just said he was seeing a doctor and he got medications for it. I didn't notice any improvements, however.

We had a long-distance relationship over the summer, and I was secretly dreading seeing him again. In the first week of the semester, I had to attend a lecture. He was supposed to be there, but he was late. When he finally got there and discovered that I didn't have any empty seats near me, he started crying loudly and swearing at the people next to me.

I asked his mother why he was so completely attached to me. She told me he had Autism (which I knew nothing about at the time). I confronted him about it, which resulted in him flipping a table over and screaming that he wanted to kill his mother. I finally decided that this was enough, and that I needed to end our relationship. So I did.

Now I just want to know if people with Autism tend to be attached to specific people. I don't mean for this to be offensive in any way; I just wanted to share my experience and get some more insight into a disorder I don't suffer from. If this offends you, feel free to leave this post.

@BlueRoses

As a person with Autism and anxiety, and separation anxiety: It doesn't excuse his behavior. I am very close to my partner, and I feel terrible when they're away from me, but I certainly don't need to be touching them at all times, violating their boundaries in some cases, or make scenes when I can't get my way in relation to them.

I'm no denying that some of his behaviors and reactions may be due to his Asperger's, however, reacting with violence (the table flipping and threats) goes beyond what is appropriate for anyone regardless of their neurotype.

Though I can't make complete judgments since I don't know this person, a lot of what you describe seems to be stereotypical possessive partner bs. Plenty of partners just act this way, and it's unhealthy, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that -- so it's kind of likely that it's not related to his Autism at all, though I'm sure there are some aspects that can be amplified by it.

Hope I'm making sense. :/

@BlueRoses

I've just read exactly what's happened to me in the past. I think those with Asperger's do attach to others. It really sucks because there isn't a lot of support or information for people who are in a relationship with someone with Asperger's.

I honestly don't have anything to say. I don't have any more experience or insight than you by the sounds of things.

That said, just because you and I have had similar experiences, doesn't mean that everyone who has Asperger's will be the same.

@BlueRoses
Yeah, no, this isn't inherently an Autistic Thing™. This is a Possessive Boyfriend Thing™.

None of what you mentioned sounds specific to autistic people, just clingy partners. Sometimes autistic people can get extremely overwhelmed and go nonverbal like you mentioned, but that's literally the only thing I saw that probably has anything to do with him being autistic. (And going nonverbal isn't inherently bad or necessarily meant as an insult to you! Imagine when your computer freezes and has to take a bit to restart. That's how my autistic roommate described it to me. It's not because my roommate wants to get out of talking about serious issues, he just needs a bit to reboot after feeling overwhelmed.)

Angrily yelling in the middle of a class and screaming about wanting to kill people? Like @McAlli said, that's not appropriate for anyone. And most autistic people I've seen know that perfectly well and don't particularly WANT to hurt anyone. (If anything, I'd say his behavior sounds more like BPD than anything else? Unlike with autism, clinginess literally is in the diagnosis for BPD. But people of all neurotypes can act entitled or clingy, so...)

I hope this makes sense? I just don't want you to think autistic people are inherently violent or dangerous, because they're not. And there's a LOT of social stigma about people deemed mentally ill, the vast majority of it undeserved. :C Also from more personal experience, the most abusive person I've ever known acted almost EXACTLY like what you described, and he definitely wasn't autistic. Like, seriously, this guy acted exactly like that, even down to being visibly upset and angry that there were no seats left next to his girlfriend in class.

I mean, it sounds like he was possessive and that was bad for you, so good for you for ending the relationship! I'm not saying you have to stay with him if it was an unhealthy dynamic, no one deserves that kind of possessiveness. ;~; I'm just trying to say that I know multiple autistic people and I don't think him being autistic had anything to do with it, and that it's unfair to other autistic people to assume it did. I hope that makes sense?

(Source: I live with an autistic person and one of my best friends is also autistic.)

@BlueRoses Yeah, as someone who has slight Asbergers and has a few family members with it, I can say that I do tend to get a little anxious when I'm not near my close friends, or if they are not paying attention to me. But, like @McAlli said, it's unacceptable to throw bursts like that in public or anywhere really.

@McAlli @falling @Doki @Exulansis @SinfullyGood

Thanks for giving me some perspective on this issue. Just to clarify: I never assumed that ALL people on the spectrum were violent, but I wondered if the possessiveness and separation anxiety were something other people with Autism experienced. I suppose my ex must've had other underlying attachment and anger management issues that were made more prominent because of his Autism.

As for the unresponsiveness... I know that individuals with Autism can feel overwhelmed more easily than those without it. I was never angry with my ex because of that. But I was understandably confused by it, especially since he kept the fact that he had Autism away from me. He instead tried to pass it off as depression, which I myself am diagnosed with. Although depression can take many forms, his behaviour was not characteristic of it at all. When I asked his mom, she said he didn't have depression at all!

Since he didn't tell me the truth about his mental health, I came into our relationship not knowing he would end up acting any differently. While I can't blame him for having a disorder he never asked for, I don't think it's right that he hid his Autism from me and lied about having depression. Maybe I would've been better prepared if he told me the truth.

@BlueRoses Well, honestly, and this may seem off, he isn't completely obligated to tell you about his Autism. A lot of people with Asperger's are considered to be "high functioning" (which is a nasty term tbh) and may not feel like it affects them as much as it does. Also, there's so much stigma against Autism and Autistic people, it's not a surprise to me that maybe he felt the best thing to do was to hide it. However, five months seems like plenty of time to figure out if you're a safe person to talk about with that. If you had said you'd only been together for a month or so, then I would say with all firmness that he didn't have to tell you. But yeah, five months...maybe there should have been a discussion, especially if you guys were experiencing these difficulties. That said: You can't expect someone to tell you everything that's wrong with them at the start of relationship. That's not realistic nor is it safe for people with disorders of many varieties.

That said, I can also understand why he'd be so angry at his mother for telling you without his consent. Not excusing the threats and violence, but it's not okay for parents to tell their children's SO's about those kinds of things without talking to their own kid first. Forcibly outing someone like that can not only be dangerous but is totally inappropriate.

@McAlli

I definitely see your point, but my ex was always very open with me about everything else (including social issues, arguments, self-consciousness, etc). I told him about my own personal struggles with Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia, so there was no reason for him to feel the need to hide his problems from me. He also agreed to be completely honest and open with me, which is something I value a lot in a relationship. I made it clear from the start that our relationship wouldn't be a long-term thing if he wasn't truthful. I gave him the opportunity to leave right then and there if he wasn't prepared to be open with me.

I feel like I should also mention that prior to us dating, we had been good friends for about six months. If we had known each other for only a month or two, it would make sense for me to not know everything personal about him. But we were close for just short of a year, and he even expressed his desire to continue our relationship further on many occasions. If he so badly wanted to keep it going, he must have decided I was a safe person to talk to.

His own mother was disappointed that he hadn't told his girlfriend, who had only been honest with him, the truth about having Autism. The reason why she even mentioned it in the first place was because she thought he had already told me.