so I can feel a little better about myself.
I was all set to make a double or triple batch of pie dough - I figured I'd make a pie with these fresh peaches, and a bunch of turnovers/hand pies with the raspberry and strawberry jams I made earlier in the year.
I set today aside so that between my low spoons and bad equipment, I'd at least be able to get the dough all squared away. My food processor is a tiny, pathetic thing that can handle maybe a quarter-recipe of dough. I don't have the stamina to cut the fat in by hand, especially if I want to be able to roll out and cut all of this dough tomorrow. But if I planned well and paced myself, I was confident I could get things done.
I got my mise en place all set up. I measured out the first fraction of dry ingredients into the food processor. I reached for the leaf lard: I love it for pie crusts, it makes a very workable dough that can handle a wide range of temperatures, which is great when you're chronically ill and move slowly and pie is a multi-day endeavor.
Then I saw that'd I'd actually bought unrendered leaf fat.
So, now I have to put the entire plan on hold for the next four hours or so as this stupid block of fat renders down into lard. I can't push the heat to make it go faster or the whole batch will taste like pork. I have to dig out mason jars and cheesecloth from high cabinets, and hold up a heavy pan and pour it without spilling, and those are exactly the sort of tasks that are going to put me in spoon debt. And then I have to wait even more for all the melted fat to solidify in the freezer. If I push the dough-making process to tomorrow, I'll have to push the filling back another day, and the peaches will have gone bad by then.
And do you want to know the best part? When I looked up how to render lard, I found a website that cheerily informed me you can speed up the process by blitzing the half-melted chunks of fat in a food processor. The food processor that’s currently full of flour and salt and sugar for pie dough. The food processor holding a quarter-recipe’s worth of dry ingredients because it’s too small to make a whole batch of dough at a time. That food processor. I should put five pounds of pork fat in there.
... so yeah, please, if you have horrible nightmare cooking stories to share, I need to hear them right now.
so I can feel a little better about myself.
I was all set to make a double or triple batch of pie dough - I figured I'd make a pie with these fresh peaches, and a bunch of turnovers/hand pies with the raspberry and strawberry jams I made earlier in the year.
I set today aside so that between my low spoons and bad equipment, I'd at least be able to get the dough all squared away. My food processor is a tiny, pathetic thing that can handle maybe a quarter-recipe of dough. I don't have the stamina to cut the fat in by hand, especially if I want to be able to roll out and cut all of this dough tomorrow. But if I planned well and paced myself, I was confident I could get things done.
I got my mise en place all set up. I measured out the first fraction of dry ingredients into the food processor. I reached for the leaf lard: I love it for pie crusts, it makes a very workable dough that can handle a wide range of temperatures, which is great when you're chronically ill and move slowly and pie is a multi-day endeavor.
Then I saw that'd I'd actually bought unrendered leaf fat.
So, now I have to put the entire plan on hold for the next four hours or so as this stupid block of fat renders down into lard. I can't push the heat to make it go faster or the whole batch will taste like pork. I have to dig out mason jars and cheesecloth from high cabinets, and hold up a heavy pan and pour it without spilling, and those are exactly the sort of tasks that are going to put me in spoon debt. And then I have to wait even more for all the melted fat to solidify in the freezer. If I push the dough-making process to tomorrow, I'll have to push the filling back another day, and the peaches will have gone bad by then.
And do you want to know the best part? When I looked up how to render lard, I found a website that cheerily informed me you can speed up the process by blitzing the half-melted chunks of fat in a food processor. The food processor that’s currently full of flour and salt and sugar for pie dough. The food processor holding a quarter-recipe’s worth of dry ingredients because it’s too small to make a whole batch of dough at a time. That food processor. I should put five pounds of pork fat in there.
... so yeah, please, if you have horrible nightmare cooking stories to share, I need to hear them right now.
Well, let's just say that - before getting a thermomix - instead of making pudding I was very prone to fry milk.
Other than that, in theory I can cook. Only in theory though, as the many tiny burn scars on my hands may tell you.
Well, let's just say that - before getting a thermomix - instead of making pudding I was very prone to fry milk.
Other than that, in theory I can cook. Only in theory though, as the many tiny burn scars on my hands may tell you.
I made a big batch of crepes for a family breakfast with what I *thought* was flour.
It was not flour.
I made a big batch of crepes for a family breakfast with what I *thought* was flour.
It was not flour.
One time I tried to make mapo tofu using a recipe that started with frying Sichuan peppercorns. It said to heat the oil first, then add the peppercorns.
...Except as soon as I did that, the oil started sputtering and crackling violently, launching (burnt!) peppercorns everywhere. It looked like an erupting peppercorn volcano.
I still have no clue what I did wrong there.... but I didn't try that recipe again.
One time I tried to make mapo tofu using a recipe that started with frying Sichuan peppercorns. It said to heat the oil first, then add the peppercorns.
...Except as soon as I did that, the oil started sputtering and crackling violently, launching (burnt!) peppercorns everywhere. It looked like an erupting peppercorn volcano.
I still have no clue what I did wrong there.... but I didn't try that recipe again.
I'm so sorry that happened! ;-; I completely feel for you. I've never tried making pie, but I've heard it's one of the hardest things to make. Major props to you for even being brave enough to try, because I definitely wouldn't be!
I'm really bad at cooking. I'm very scatterbrained and tend to leave out ingredients, forget to refrigerate dough, etc. No matter what, it always takes me a really long time to do. The irony of this is I love watching all kinds of sophisticated cooking shows and every single one of my favorite chefs would be completely disappointed in me. XD
On my first try cooking a fried egg, I somehow managed to make it both raw and burned in different parts. Yeah.... I don't know. After a lot of practice, I am now okay at cooking fried eggs. They are also the only thing I at least somewhat know how to cook. :P
Once I completely forgot to refrigerate cookie dough and all the cookies kind of turned into a big puddle-cookie. They still tasted good, but not nearly as good as the previous time I'd made them and they turned out right. :p
I'm so sorry that happened! ;-; I completely feel for you. I've never tried making pie, but I've heard it's one of the hardest things to make. Major props to you for even being brave enough to try, because I definitely wouldn't be!
I'm really bad at cooking. I'm very scatterbrained and tend to leave out ingredients, forget to refrigerate dough, etc. No matter what, it always takes me a really long time to do. The irony of this is I love watching all kinds of sophisticated cooking shows and every single one of my favorite chefs would be completely disappointed in me. XD
On my first try cooking a fried egg, I somehow managed to make it both raw and burned in different parts. Yeah.... I don't know. After a lot of practice, I am now okay at cooking fried eggs. They are also the only thing I at least somewhat know how to cook. :P
Once I completely forgot to refrigerate cookie dough and all the cookies kind of turned into a big puddle-cookie. They still tasted good, but not nearly as good as the previous time I'd made them and they turned out right. :p
I once bought some plain gingerbread cookies and decided I would try making some frosting just to decorate them. What I ended up making looked more like green cement than frosting...the taste wasn't better too.
I once bought some plain gingerbread cookies and decided I would try making some frosting just to decorate them. What I ended up making looked more like green cement than frosting...the taste wasn't better too.
Thanks everyone! It really helps to know I'm not alone. Rationally I know that everyone makes mistakes, but looking out at a mess that needs cleaning up is super demoralizing.
I've taken a few deep breaths and formed a new plan of action. The fat has been moved to a crock pot - carrying a heavy thing up the stairs and scraping out/washing a heavy pot wasn't exactly good for my spoon count, but it means that I don't have to babysit the pot on the stove anymore. I do have butter, so I can make some dough with that and the day won't be a loss. (The point of the lard was to make things easier, which, hah.) The lard will be shelf-stable once it renders, so tomorrow I'll get that jarred and stored. Then I'll make a peach pie with the butter dough, and the rest can wait for another day. I hate this so much, but it's either scale back or crash and burn at this point.
Thanks everyone! It really helps to know I'm not alone. Rationally I know that everyone makes mistakes, but looking out at a mess that needs cleaning up is super demoralizing.
I've taken a few deep breaths and formed a new plan of action. The fat has been moved to a crock pot - carrying a heavy thing up the stairs and scraping out/washing a heavy pot wasn't exactly good for my spoon count, but it means that I don't have to babysit the pot on the stove anymore. I do have butter, so I can make some dough with that and the day won't be a loss. (The point of the lard was to make things easier, which, hah.) The lard will be shelf-stable once it renders, so tomorrow I'll get that jarred and stored. Then I'll make a peach pie with the butter dough, and the rest can wait for another day. I hate this so much, but it's either scale back or crash and burn at this point.
We chopped up some chocolate for chocolate chip cookies. Made them all then noticed a tiny chunk of metal in the leftover dough in the bowl. The tip of the knife had broken and part of it was somewhere in the cookies. Had to throw them all away, it was great :D
We chopped up some chocolate for chocolate chip cookies. Made them all then noticed a tiny chunk of metal in the leftover dough in the bowl. The tip of the knife had broken and part of it was somewhere in the cookies. Had to throw them all away, it was great :D
Every single time I'm in the kitchen. Cooking is not my forte.
Every single time I'm in the kitchen. Cooking is not my forte.
I learned the hard way why you cannot warm a hardboiled egg in the microwave.
I learned the hard way why you cannot warm a hardboiled egg in the microwave.
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